What do you think of when you think of making small talk? Stilted conversations about whether you’ve got any nice holidays planned? Or awkward British discussions about the weather?

There’s no doubt that small talk can be uncomfortable. But like many things, if you reframe it a little, it can start to look different.

Connection is important. Whether it’s in our work or our social lives, most of us thrive on making connections with others - even the introverts and the very self-sufficient amongst us. Although we maybe don’t need as many connections as our extraverted counterparts - we still tend to value a few, deep connections that work for us. 

So how can we go about making sure we make connections with others? People are busy and sometimes it feels like there isn’t time for small talk. But I’ve always thought that small talk is a vital part of forming successful relationships in the workplace. And it actually only stays as small talk for a very short time - which is why I love it. 

Instead of small talk, what about if we thought of it as an introduction to finding out big things that can lead to important connections? After all, every relationship, whether a friendship, work connection or romantic attachment, has to start somewhere. And that’s normally with a conversation that begins with a bit of small talk.

If you ask the right questions and pick up on what people like to talk about, you can very quickly get to a deeper level. A chat about the weather might reveal that someone in your team has a dog that they like walking but don’t enjoy walking in the rain. Next time you meet them, you can ask how their dog is! A conversation about holidays could give you an insight into someone’s family situation: are they planning a romantic weekend break, a solo holiday, a family camping trip or a cruise with older parents? Again, it gives you something more personal to pick up with next time you see them, and soon the relationship moves past the awkward chit-chat level. 

There’s a great ice-breaker exercise that I’ve used in groups of people that don’t know each other well/at all, to demonstrate the power of connection and really get people talking. People pair up with someone they don’t know and get given five to ten minutes to talk and see how many things they can discover that they have in common. There’s a prize for the pair that find the most points in common, and also a prize for the most unusual or obscure connection.

Usually the room starts out quiet and people seem a little awkward and uncomfortable.

Then the noise level gradually rises, and so does the energy in the room as people start to make connections and go off down different routes of conversation.

Generally, by the end of the session, people are reluctant to stop talking as they’re keen to find out more about something that someone has mentioned and would love to chat more!

Initial points of connection tend to be fairly standard: having both grown up in the same town, or both having a brother/sister/dog/children. But it’s amazing how quickly some pairs manage to get to the most unusual points of connection.

In one particular session, two people (who couldn’t have looked more different on paper if you had profiled them!) managed to discover that they’d both been at the same bar on the same night three years previously – and the bar was in Turkey! I have no idea how the conversation got this far in under ten minutes, but it just goes to show where conversation can take you.

When people find a common subject, or even just a subject that is important to one person and of interest to the person they are speaking to, you see the conversation really come to life, and that’s when a connection is made, way beyond a mutual moan about the rainy weather or a polite enquiry about whether someone is going anywhere nice on holiday (does anyone ever admit to going somewhere that isn’t nice?!)

At work, this can be so valuable. If you need someone’s co-operation on a project, or their support with something, it’s always going to be much easier if you’ve already built a rapport with them. In particular, line management generally becomes a lot easier and more rewarding if you find points of connection with the person. A quick chat about something non-work-related at the beginning of a meeting puts people at ease and lets them know that you’re interested in them and care about them – all signs of a good leader. And this really comes into its own if you need to support a team member through something difficult in their personal life such as a bereavement, relationship break up or health issue.

Of course, we won’t all find that we have loads in common with everyone we meet. But even without shared interests, other people can still be fascinating!

By being genuinely interested in someone, asking curious questions of them and properly listening to their responses, you can find out so much about them – far beyond the words they are saying. You can learn what’s important to them, what their pain points are (at work and beyond) and what makes them happy or sad.

At the Nonpareil Network, we love it when connections are made between like-minded women, whether it starts with small talk or a discussion around a more serious topic.

If you’d like to join us and make new, positive connections, subscribe to our newsletter or why not come along to our next online networking event on Wednesday 30 March 2022, Menopause at Work: Leading Positive Change.

Written by Hannah Poulton

Co-founder of Nonpareil Network.

Hannah is a portfolio Marketing Director. She is also a Non Executive Director for the Welsh Cycling Union and a Lay Member for the British Chiropractic Council. She also volunteers as a Magistrate and is a Lay Member for NHS Blood and Transplant.