Different friends for different things
Who do you tell when you’ve got good news to share? And does it vary depending on the news? Do you filter your news and your conversation topics? Or do all your friends get exactly the same version of you?
As someone who’s never announced a pregnancy or engagement and never celebrated my own wedding or the arrival of a baby, ‘personal’ good news, the stuff that is universally celebrated by whoever you share it with, has always been a bit thin on the ground for me. But I’ve achieved milestones in line with my own personal priorities - some of which are career-related - a promotion or a new role, and some of which are more lifestyle related - having a flexible working request approved, being in a position to finally get the dog I’ve always wanted, or starting my own business.
One of the best things about celebrating them has been having friends who understand and appreciate what they mean to me - either because they have similar priorities, or simply because they understand, firstly, that not everyone is driven by the same things, and, secondly, what my personal drivers and goals are in life.
I like to think I have a pretty diverse group of friends. I’ve also always liked to think that with all of them, we take the time to get to know each other well enough to understand each other’s priorities and goals, and therefore to be able to celebrate each other’s milestones and genuinely feel happy for each other when we achieve something - even if it’s something that wouldn’t necessarily be worthy of a celebration if it was the other way round. But I’ve found myself thinking recently about whether this is genuinely a realistic expectation.
I recently took a temporary step back from a particular friendship group. I’ve been going through quite a bit of change in my career over the past year or so, having stepped away from the corporate world after a difficult time in my last role. I then took the plunge in self-employment and starting to build a portfolio of roles. I recently had a big success, in securing a role that is going to hopefully help me achieve my goals - and I shared my news on the group chat.
No one replied.
A couple of days later, the tumbleweeds had all blown on through, and someone else shared in the group that their child had got ‘Star of the Week’ at school. The usual congratulations were forthcoming - including from me, of course. At first I stewed a bit over this and decided to take a bit of a step back. But after thinking about it for a while, and chatting to a couple of other sensible friends about it, I decided to move on and let it go. It’s not that those friends don’t care - it’s just that they’re not the right ones to share that achievement with.
Another friend, on hearing my news, sent a message loaded with party emojis straight back - and a couple of days later, a gift arrived in the post from her too. But she was someone I’d shared a lot more of my journey with over the previous year. I’d unwittingly been giving edited highlights to the other group of friends - and actually, that’s okay.
Whilst it’s really important to be authentic, it’s also fine to dial up and down different parts of your life with different friends and different friendship groups, depending on their level of interest and understanding of the thing you’re talking about. I belong to a virtual running club, and on there, I post every run I do, often to rapturous congratulations from the other members - which are 100% reciprocated by me when they post their own achievements. And while I might post the occasional running achievement or red-faced selfie on my Instagram with all the relevant hashtags, I certainly don’t post every single run, as I know it would probably bore most of my followers senseless.
I’d been doing similar editing with my friends. Whereas the one who sent me the gift had been party to every up and down of my work situation over the previous year, the friends on the group chat had maybe had one or two throwaway comments about the fact I wasn’t enjoying work, was looking at a career change and had decided to take the plunge into building a portfolio.
But I’d been sharing other stuff - a photo of an amazing chocolate brownie I’d tried from a local bakery, the news that my parents had had their Covid vaccines and a chat about the latest series I’d be binging on Netflix. I could maybe feel sad that a photo of a cake was better received than a significant career milestone, but I’ve been trying to just appreciate the fact that I can share such a diverse range of things with different friends and friendship groups.
Neither of these types of friendships is better or worse than the other for me. Both are a big part of my life, both are fun and rewarding in their own ways. But it’s probably fair to say that finding friends who truly appreciate and celebrate your career successes, is trickier - especially later on in your career (as we looked at in a previous article) - but it is just as important to feel supported in your career goals as it is in other aspects of life.
That’s why we’ve founded the Nonpareil Network - to offer opportunities for women in the second half of their careers to make like-minded connections, to support each other’s aspirations and celebrate each other’s successes. We love cake and Netflix binges too. Come and join us!
Sign up here to find out more and to be kept up to date with articles and events.
Written by Hannah Poulton
Co-founder of Nonpareil Network.
Hannah is a portfolio Marketing Director. She is also a Non Executive Director for the Welsh Cycling Union and a Lay Member for the British Chiropractic Council. She also volunteers as a Magistrate and is a Lay Member for NHS Blood and Transplant.
