Me not having children is none of your business!

Recently, I found myself in conversation with a childless man in his 60s. He asked me whether I had children. When I said I didn’t, he followed up with a raft of questions about why not, and then decided to tell me, based on his own experience of children (through his wife’s grandchild, who she looks after one day a week) that I really ought to consider it as it’s wonderful for women to have children. Even when I pointed out that I was 42, he advised me it was “not too late”.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve experienced a conversation like this. I did, however, manage to turn it into a first for my inquisitor, when I put the question to him: “So, why did you never have children then?” His initial reaction was to laugh, although he was visibly taken aback, and clearly didn’t have an answer rehearsed (I have mine ready to trot out whenever needed). He then expressed surprise to me because “no one’s ever asked me that before!”

In my case, it’s been a conscious decision not to have children. Not one taken lightly, I hasten to add. Like a lot of women who are childfree by choice, I’ve probably spent longer thinking about my decision than many people spend on their decision to have a child. But amongst the other women in and around my social circle that don’t have children, the reasons include: - 

• Cancer at a young age, resulting in infertility or inability to carry a baby to term

• Infertility

• Failed fertility treatment

• Early menopause

• Multiple miscarriages

• Not having met a suitable partner and being unwilling/unable to be a single mother

• Thinking they’ve met a suitable partner who has then cheated/left them

None of these are things that anyone would want to, or should have to, explain to strangers. And yet strangers repeatedly think it’s okay to ask women why they haven’t got children, and then offer their advice on what they think is best for the woman, or even question her understanding of her own mind: “you might regret it in the future” or “you’d feel differently if you had a baby of your own!” In my case, of course it’s possible that both of these could be true - but having a baby that I don’t think I want is a bit of a drastic step to take to find out! 

At a point in my mid-30s where I’d just taken a big stride forward in my career that I was quite proud of, two male colleagues felt they should counsel me: “Don’t let your career get in the way of starting a family, though.” It’s another common assumption that it’s an either/or when it comes to children or career - but I know plenty of women who have focused on both, and also plenty who don’t have children but are not particularly career-minded either!

Of course, this over-familiarity of questioning isn’t just limited to women without children. And the questions are often asked with genuine good intentions. But women face questions and judgements about their circumstances and life choices, which we then feel we ought to defend, on a fairly regular and very exhausting basis. 

A friend who has one child often gets asked when she’s going to have another. The answer is never, and the reason is that she and her partner only ever wanted one (she’s been told she’s “cruel” for having an only child too!) But it could equally be down to fertility problems, post-natal depression or a traumatic pregnancy/birth - there’s another list of topics that none of us would choose to discuss with someone we’ve just met.

Working women who take maternity leave face assumptions that they’re going to want to come back part-time, or that if they’ve got a large family they’re likely to give up work altogether. Questions will be asked and judgement will be passed on childcare arrangements (nursery vs. grandparents vs. childminder vs. au pair) and whether Dad is “hands on” or not. And women with two or more children of the same gender face “are you going to try for a boy/girl?”, which is what co-founder Helen was constantly asked if she was trying for a girl having had two boys already with the assumption that she was disappointed not to have one of each.

A big part of our ethos at the Nonpareil Network is that we know no two career paths or life choices are the same - but women in senior positions have a lot in common and, if brought together, can support and encourage each other to great things. 

As founders, we have taken quite different routes in our personal lives, but our career paths have been similar, and when we met through work, we found we had an awful lot in common. And a major one of these common factors was that we respected each other’s very different personal circumstances. It’s highly unlikely that we ever would have met through our personal lives, though. 

And that’s why we want to bring together other senior, professional women, to support and encourage each other, with a focus on what we DO have in common, and no questioning or judgements on personal life choices. 

Top tips...

Stuck for what to ask someone next when they’ve told you they don’t have children? Tempted to fill an awkward silence with something inappropriate or intrusive? How about some of these instead?

“Do you have other close family?”

“What do you like doing in your spare time?”

“What do you do for work?”

“What do you enjoy doing with your friends?”

“Do you like travelling?”

“Fancy a coffee/glass of wine?” *

* The last one ALWAYS works for me, especially if accompanied by cake or cheese.

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Written by Hannah Poulton

Co-founder of Nonpareil Network.

Hannah is a portfolio Marketing Director. She is also a Non Executive Director for the Welsh Cycling Union and a Lay Member for the British Chiropractic Council. She also volunteers as a Magistrate and is a Lay Member for NHS Blood and Transplant.