Overthinking - Overdone strengths
We look at why the high level of self-awareness that experienced women have usually developed over the years has a flipside of becoming a tendency to overthink things.
Self-awareness. It’s a great thing to have, right? Being aware of how you come across in different situations, reading a room, knowing where your strengths lie and recognising when you’re talking too much (or too little) are all great skills to have and there is no doubt that they are helpful in developing a successful business career.
Women are often known for being more perceptive than men. There’s a reason why “women’s intuition” gets mentioned a lot, although in most cases, it’s years of experience that leads us to be good judges of what is going on in any given situation, rather than any sort of sixth sense!
That said, women have been found to have higher emotional intelligence (EI) ability than men.* Emotional intelligence is how we use our cognitive and emotional abilities to function in interpersonal relationships and social groups, as well as how we manage our own emotional states. People with high EI ability can perceive, comprehend and express emotion accurately. In the 1995 best-selling book “Emotional Intelligence”, which really popularised the term, science journalist Daniel Goleman defined EI as the array of skills and characteristics that drive leadership performance. So we probably all use this a lot in a variety of situations at work when interacting with or influencing others is important. And if we are good at reading others, we’re likely to spend time trying to read ourselves. We are also at risk of over-analysing other people’s reactions to us and reading things into situations that are actually not there!
Most of us who have made a conscious effort with our personal growth and career development will have also spent a lot of time over the years reflecting upon our own performance, seeking feedback from others and taking note of how we are impacting upon other people in situations like meetings, team leadership and presentations. But sometimes, all of that self-analysis can become overwhelming and lead to over-thinking, fixating on particular areas of our performance, our personality (or even our appearance) and indeed what other people think of us. And we are all familiar with the tendency to be one’s own harshest critic. It can be easy to fall into a cycle of negative thoughts about ourselves, or to lie awake at night cringing at something we said in a meeting or wondering whether that face our colleague pulled when we were talking was related to what we said or not.
Have you ever given a presentation, and all the time, had in the back (or front!) of your mind, the thought that maybe you look or sound silly? You’ve not worn the right outfit? You’re standing awkwardly or waving your hands around too much? It’s probably fair to say that most of us have, at some stage, had these feelings of self-consciousness.
But think about all the times you’ve watched someone else give a presentation. How often have you thought the same about them? It’s probably a lot less, as generally, when watching someone present, we are interested in the content of their presentation. We might well think their slides are boring, or the subject matter is dry, but we’re far less likely to be thinking about what they’re wearing or how they’re standing.
So how can we balance the positive practice of seeking feedback and reflecting upon our own performance with our tendencies to over-think and fixate on negatives?
Here are some tips: -
Choose your feedback group carefully. Now, that doesn’t mean only ever asking for feedback from people who are going to be overwhelmingly positive, but it might mean asking people who know you well, understand your insecurities and will be constructive in how they deliver the feedback, to make sure that you focus on the right things and don’t hone in and fixate on something small and unhelpful.
Practice positive self-reflection. At the end of the week, or after you’ve finished a particular project or important meeting, reflect on your performance, but only in a positive way. What did you do well? What did you enjoy? When did you feel good? Of course, we all want to improve, and it can be easy to jump to the negatives when looking for areas where we can get better, but focusing on the positives and doing more of these can be just as powerful as addressing negatives.
Make time for mindfulness. Helen’s recent article on wellbeing talks about being mindful. This is a great way to train your brain to banish negative thoughts, including over-thinking. She also has some great suggestions around gratitude and journaling, which can also be powerful tools in reducing over-thinking.
Be kind. This phrase may have been overused a bit in recent times, but making a conscious effort to speak kindly, or at the very least avoid saying unkind things, about others, it benefits your own self-esteem the most as it trains your brain to speak kindly to itself too.
Be your own best friend. If you fall into a cycle of judging yourself harshly or focusing on the negatives in your own performance, think about what you’d say to your best friend if they were in your position. And what you’d say to them if the roles were reversed.
Do you need some help with dialling down your over-thinking? Check out our courses to find out how we can help.
*MSCEIT and the Test of Emotional Intelligence.
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Written by Hannah Poulton
Co-founder of Nonpareil Network.
Hannah is a portfolio Marketing Director. She is also a Non Executive Director for the Welsh Cycling Union and a Lay Member for the British Chiropractic Council. She also volunteers as a Magistrate and is a Lay Member for NHS Blood and Transplant.
